project first base

my week of “eat, pray, love…”

i’m a 35 year-old mess. so, i packed my bags to find a decent job, but mostly to meet up with good friends. i need to be around them for a while. there’s a “storm” coming and i wouldn’t want to go through it all over again. i need to love myself so i would be moving out of the vicinity for a while. for the first time, it seems, i don’t know where to go. i have a plan but it blurs away and i’m back to my usual state of confusion and indecision. for the meantime, i immersed myself with the normalcy of just being with friends… to gossip, be silly and just be happy .. and watch fun movies. i literally crashed at my friends’ couch, and thank them for giving me a much needed break from my own proverbial couch at home.

in the current state of my consciousness, can’t help to brood along with those gorgeous guys in magic mike… (have to see it again, so i could focus more on the gorgeous abs, er, the story) then those dreamers trying to make an unforgettable indie film (ang babae sa septic tank)… and somehow i got emotional along with a hilarious cougar mom because her son is moving away for college (cougartown)… then i seem to hold back a tear while the GLEE kids is singing queen’s “somebody to love” (one of my favorite sad songs). it made me think of anne hathaway singing the song in ella enchanted. i even found the movie on my friend’s PC and watched it alone. i love the movie. i love anne and i wanted to cry while she’s singing and dancing. it’s a funny scene, theatrical but she could sing well. the obedience spell that was cast on her, though funny at times, is paralyzing at some point. kinda like procrastination. you seem stuck in your emotions, you couldn’t do anything or don’t know where to start. oh, wait we’re not talking about ella enchanted anymore. sigh!

i’m so cluttered, and bursting with hormonal stress and emotions. i need to tweet!

from a friend’s home to another, packed my bags again the next day. off to another home, this time i’m related. my friend told me, “ang bigat ng dala mo, iwan mo na yung iba…” i told her that i will leave some of my stuffs with her. but i feel that my bagpack is still heavy… “hay, bakit ba andami kong bagahe… ” (too much baggage). literally and figuratively. boom!

/2.Oct.2012

his own pain

I heard about your death, and the first thing i thought about is him. If this happened when i was an angry, bitter, and heartbroken 16 year-old… maybe i would think that he deserves to feel this pain.. maybe he’ll remember our own pain of losing him to you. maybe i would start hoping again… maybe things will change… but i’m not that little girl anymore. my pain will always be there but all i felt was sadness… a lump in my throat… i was beginning to feel his pain at that moment… the pain i wouldn’t dare wish to anyone… the grief and pain we all fear for our friends and family of having.

i wanted to let him know that i don’t hate you. i wrote him a letter. i can’t remember if there was a time i thought of you… all i could remember is how i’ve hated him. maybe it’s just the idea of you being in his life… i may not be aware of a time to hate you because maybe, i haven’t met you at all. time passes by and maybe as we go through life accepting the way things are, we eventually learn to forgive. or sometimes, we may not be aware that we’re heading our way there. i guess, i’m just sorry that i won’t have the chance to say thank you… for taking care of him. rest in peace… i will be praying for you…

/2011, August.

the aftermath…

/8.19.2011 

if taylor swift writes songs about teen angst or boys who broke her heart,…. i, on the other hand, blog. it’s like the same high as screaming at the top of your lungs or punching someone in the face — only using bare rhetorics.  so, in honor of the roller coaster of emotions you’ve caused me, here i am writing about it… consider yourself immortalized… through my blog. 

since i am writing again…. it means i’m starting to calm down, i stopped thinking too much of everything or everyone. putting them into words truly helps lighten the load.

i wanted to tell you i have lost my personal joy of writing, while we’re having conversations (emailing) on facebook. and i hate that feeling. it’s one of the things i love to do, and maybe one of the best things that define who i am. i feel like i’ve stopped being me. i hate to say this but, you made me feel that way…

you also made me hate checking my facebook account, for a while, because i somehow expect to be disappointed… or i got tired of arguing or making a point with you. my mind was so cluttered that i practically have headaches, not to mention the impeccable timing of my PMS.

when i was writing that first email, i was carefully choosing my words because i was concerned about your feelings. because at that point, you were frustrated with us. we’re your family. we care about you, about the situation. and i was sort of expressing my thoughts and concerns, together with what might the other members of the family are also thinking.

when i read your reply, it was disappointing. it seems that you didn’t even feel that we care. you didn’t even try to understand where we’re coming from. i felt bad and sorry for the people who cares for you. it was like a bitchslap reading your email. i hated you for a few moments that day. you,  saying that we were close-minded, we judge people, and we have one-sided opinions… or that we should change our ways of thinking and how we deal things…? if we are such kind of people, i feel terrible and i hope you do realize that you are telling this to the people who share your DNA.  

i feel bad about myself.  you, of all people, would have that kind of opinion of me. i guess you really don’t know me at all. i wish you could talk to my friends, so you would learn more about me. i try to convince myself that you only said that because you’re angry, confused or hurt. and that’s okay. we understand.

yes, we may be drama queens because we worry too much of everything. sorry if we care so much. it’s just that the underlying pain and hearbreak we share leads us to be a little more concerned about the future.

not having a job maybe has given me a lot of time in my hands to stress more about life. i worry about almost everyone, especially us in the family. i think about all of you, or maybe one at a time or by pairs… every night before i sleep. in my prayers, in my dreams, even while doing (household) mundane tasks… sometimes, i think of all the pain and heartbreaks… and just have a good cry. i can’t help but carry the weight in my shoulders. i procrastinate. maybe  that’s why for the Nth time, i didn’t push through again for a new job application. my mind was all cluttered up. i was in a bus on my way for the final interview… and my heart and head is all over the place. suddenly, i feel nauseous… i already have the headache.. and i feel like throwing up.. my stomach is in knots. i’m a mess and i couldn’t go to an interview like this. i couldn’t pull myself together. it was the first time i felt that way.

my only hope is you realize that our shock, confusion and worry are normal reactions of people who care about you. a momentary impulse to an unexpected episode in our lives. we are just trying to understand the whole situation. i don’t expect you to agree with everything i say. we just want you to understand and maybe allow us the moment to feel this way, because whatever feelings we may have… they are all valid.

Joey Potter

02.12.2011

It was a Friday night. Monday is Valentine’s Day, so I was rummaging through my DVDs for my all-time favorite romantic movies. But somehow my hands found their way to the last episode of Dawson’s Creek Season 1. This episode is the closest to my heart and the very reason why I love the show. Why I could relate so much with Joey Potter.

If I want a good cry, I watch this scene. I guess every Valentine’s Day, I am silently reminded of my broken heart. Watching this helps me deal with the pain.

Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” playing in the background, and I’m already starting to well up. This prison scene with Joey and her dad never fails to make me cry. I feel the exact same pain that Joey is going through. She breathes and speaks what my heart is screaming about.

I never had a talk like this with my Dad, so whenever I watch this it’s like I’m having a similar conversation with him. This has somehow inspired me to write him a letter telling him how I truly feel and how I’ve been doing all this time.

Dawson’s Creek, Season 1:13

*CUT TO prison*

Joey: Hi. I don’t really know what I’m doing here. That’s not true um. Look, I came here tonight to say, I came here to tell you that you messed up. You really messed up. And not because you broke the law or you got caught or that you left me without a father. You messed up because you don’t know me. I’m your daughter and you don’t know me at all. So I guess I just came to say that I’m alright. I turned out pretty good. And I’m going to be okay, no help from you. And um I just have one question. Do you love me?

Mr. Potter: More than you’d ever know. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Joey: Do you think about me?

Mr. Potter: Sweetheart, all day long, everyday, every hour, every minute.

Joey: Do you really love me though? Because I’m 15 years old and I go through everyday of my life thinking nobody loves me.

Mr. Potter: Well nothing could be further from the truth. And I’m not the only one. Dawson Leery. He loves you Joey. He’s never told you?

Joey: Ever.

Mr. Potter: Well, he does. I know it.

Joey: How?

Mr. Potter: Because he looks at you the same way your mother used to look at me. And you love him.

*Joey looks down at the ground*

Mr. Potter: (cont.) Have you told him? You have to tell him Joey. Don’t make my mistake. Don’t wait til someone you love is eaten with cancer and wasting away while you hold back…

*Joey moves to the gate. Her and her dad hold hands. *

Joey: I love you Dad.

Mr. Potter: I love you.

Joey: I gotta go. Bye.

super-idol

clairetuts:

tafter more than 2 months of Smallville marathon, we’re finally down to Season 10.

But when my youngest, little Kian wonders why he doesn’t see Lex Luthor anymore in the show, I told him he was killed by Green Arrow.

Kian cried and said, “Lex should not die!”

When I asked why he likes Lex alive, he said “because I don’t want him dead, Mom.  Clark Kent said, it’s bad to kill someone. When I become Superman, I’ll save the whole world! ”

Whoa! tha’ts my iDoL!!

Wow, pati si kian nawiwili din sa SMV :) namimiss ko nga din si lex.

The Azkal

10.May.2011

Dear Phil Younghusband,

I don’t know what you’re doing in my dreams last night, but it was quite surreal. It was way different from my other dreams with Leo, Topher, or Zac. And I haven’t even fallen in love with you yet.

It’s a dream within a dream. Quite an inception, you had there. So vivid, and strangely real to me. Never was I been so attuned to my emotions, senses, and surroundings while in a dream. Seemed like I remember everything.

We seem to have a very special relationship in the dream. Our eyes met, we smiled, we connected. I’m no Angel Locsin, but I feel (so haba ng hair) so giddy… and happy in the dream. I know, you make each other happy but nothing serious yet. I’ve read the news. LOL.

You seem like a nice guy, and I guess you could be the type of person who would have me as a friend. I’m not sure though if you could fall in love with me. But you did mention that you like a girl with a nice smile, kind and funny. But then again, I’m not as gorgeous as Angel. =) well, I’m not judging you or anything. Let’s just go back to the dream.

I was there in a scene during your practice, watching you…I feel so proud of you. I think you gazed back at me, smiling. Now, you look like your brother James. There was a scene when you asked me to go with you somewhere… where there are people celebrating something. I couldn’t remember their faces. You seem to be the only face I see.

My dream was so piercingly detailed, that I feel so special in your eyes. Like seeing myself for the first time, through a charming guy’s point of view. I’ve always wondered about that. If there is someone out there that could be so curious, just by looking at me, and would want to get to know me.

Maybe we have this special kind of friendship and getting deeper. I don’t remember you holding my hand. But of course, I seem to be (the usual) so awkward of the whole thing. But you seem so caring, so respectful and thoughtful of me… and I was wondering if we already kissed or we’re still in the process of getting there. (just for once, in a dream.. I wish a guy would lose a little respect so I could finally have my first base.. please??? LOL)

Then there was your mother (how on earth would i know that she’s your mom)… not sure what she’s up to. Or what she represents in my dream. There was my good friend… I was telling her all about my dream. That when I woke up (in some parts of the dream), and slept again.. the dream continued. I wanted to ask her something… I looked at her and her eyes seem to tell me something. Maybe I wanted to ask her the meaning of all this. But I guess she already knows that I know the answer… then I woke up in my real world… with a heart full of love and a huge smile on my face…

I’ve never felt like this before and it seems so real, beyond weird. It’s the closest thing to having a real boyfriend for the first time. And I have you to thank for… you’ve made me realize and experience (however virtual) a shred of hope to falling in love someday. Too bad, didn’t have the chance to update my FB status in the dream.

I don’t think this is sad, I find it so romantic in a supernatural sort of way. We have brilliant minds and they work in mysterious ways. Now, I know what it really means when they say a dream come true (literally)… when I get to meet someone like you.

Phil, you may have this growing relationship with Angel, but could you say that your souls connected? I just had the most romantic dream and I feel sad that you didn’t even know you’re in it. Now, why do I have to be sheepish whenever I see you on print ads or TV? Bizarre.

See you when I see you,

Paige

Someone

/02 February 2011

Dear Someone,

I know you’re out there somewhere.

They said, “Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love (-My Sassy Girl).”

If you are reading this, you somehow came across to a similar bridge that I built. This is one way that I could maybe reach you. I thought maybe you just lost your way.

This gesture is kind of a big deal for me. I even feel silly doing this, putting up this page. But maybe, I don’t want to spend my life wondering about that so-called first kiss. Hope is paralyzing at some point. I guess you might wonder why I reached this age and never had one. Trust me, it’s a mystery to me too. Or maybe I’ve been too comfortable being single. I gotten used to being alone and not having someone take care of me. I’m the one who worries a lot about everything… and everyone.

Yes, I’ve never been in love but my heart has been broken in more ways than one. Maybe, I just feel too much. I have been around with people whose hearts have been badly bruised. People always leave. They fall apart. They take a piece of your heart, when they go. I sometimes wonder if they even know how much pain they have caused me. I seem to be the one picking up the pieces of the broken heart… and I am torn and shattered as well. That’s why I wonder, if someday… even in just one fleeting moment… I am not hurting and just feeling happy.

 You don’t have to fall in love with me. Don’t worry, I guess my heart could take anything by now. I just want you to get to know me. Listen to me, talk to me, laugh with me and take a walk with me. Maybe you would try to hold my hand… and if there could be even one single reason for you to like me… then maybe… just maybe, in a sweet, tender impulse… you could probably… er… ? I hope I’m not giving you any ideas. LOL

 Yes, maybe I am desperate for that first kiss. You may realize that you are doing me a grand favor. I just hope this isn’t too much of a pressure for you. If it helps to know, I’m also nervously curious. I guess I’m just desperate to feel something… something new. Something normal. Something different from all that I am feeling for so long. A part of me will always be that sad girl with a broken heart. Dysfunctional. Alone. A clumsy girl, with bruised hands and wounded soul.

 Maybe I just want you to save me. You could be a miracle waiting to happen… I believe that you exist. Bring back my faith in humanity. Even just for a moment… I could run away from all the pain. Break away from sadness and fear.  For once, I don’t want to be the girl who cares so much… who thinks too much… who worries too much… who writes long letters and wait for replies… or the one who always long to keep in touch… the one who tries to understand everyone… that maybe… this once, she could just hold someone’s hand and just worry about sweaty palms or a heart racing.

 I still believe… that despite of all the pain and heartache in the world, something good and special will happen. I think I deserve that something. Tell me, is this too much to ask?
 
Well, thank you for dropping by and hope to see you soon! I’m just here. You can send me a message, or tweet.
 
Happy valentine’s day! =)