August172013

I woke up and I’m in love…

/14.aug.2013

omg. the most beautiful dream i have ever seen. and my first topher dream i could remember :) 

we were friends.. there’s a budding romance… maybe not official to friends… awkward glances… heart beating fast.. i can’t believe he’s mine (i seem to have woken up then went back to sleep…the dream continues- wow) — cut to a bookstore.. a girl pats my shoulder and said: “the boyfriend” (toward topher’s direction) i looked up … he was up somewhere talking to a small crowd.. i was behind a shelf or something trying to hide from him but still watching… until a guy got his attention and told him i was there.. he looked my way.. i slightly raised a hand as a wave and smiled, he seem to wave back and gave me a meaningful smile. cut to a moving bus or a jeep… we sat across from each other and I’m trying to hold on to him.. awkwardly caught his hand and grasp 3 of his fingers and he gingerly hold that (my) hand… his hand is warm… he gave me a touching smile… cut to a house..(i maybe literally imagining a first kiss by this time) we seem to be walking, holding hands… and i woke up with a big smile on my face. =)  

sheesh! even in dreams, i still couldn’t get to first base! LOL

that night i caught an episode of “ready for love”. Sat down and tried watching it. a singer tim lopez had a first date with 9 single girls. i love hailey and this other girl who sings well and plays piano — has lovely eyes and smile. i just hate that the matchmakers are so all-knowing about the rules of dating. Hailey was the most real among the girls, and she’s funny and may be self-deprecating (calling herself oldmaid) – which the matchmakers pointed out that she should be confident and that tim should be thinking about them girls as goddesses. Baket ba nangengelam kayo? Hay naku, reality shows! UGH! I would advise tim to just try speed-dating. LOL

I guess watching the show may have triggered my dream of– topher grace – the love of my life. LOL literally the man in my dreams. so… am I ready for love? I don’t know. Who knows? Only fate knows… Maybe we should ask the matchmakers or cupid.. or batman??  SIGH

here i am thinking i’m in love with JGL. but in fact, i’m still hung up on topher grace. LOL. The dreams I had with leo and JGL are not really romantic like this one. Read on… 

 

/6.may.2013. (first ever leo di caprio dream) 

outside: leo in pain, limping. i thought i saw a crutch. probably injured from a basketball. he’s in his early twenties, think basketball diaries leo. i was there, helping him. holding his arm, my other hand supporting his back. i’m there as his friend. i was not a fan. he seems oblivious of my presence maybe because he’s in pain. i somehow could feel his pain. we were walking… and then bumped into my best friend but she seems detached from the world. she didn’t see me. i said hello and hugged her because we haven’t seen each other for so long. she smiled but seem distant, somewhat distracted. what did i do? is she mad at me for something? i asked her about her hair, it was longer. she just had a pixie cut. i forgot if she responded … she doesn’t seem to notice leo… where is he? i wonder where he went… 

cut to: carey mulligan and me on a table. i was asking her, how does it feel to kiss leo? she had this big smile on her face but i seem to forget what she said to me…. and then i woke up. (have to see great gatsby) LOL

next day. another dream with leo. kinda like (imaginarium) dr parnassus character. he seems to have different faces. alternating. an eagle’s head? and then he was leo. weird. 

JGL dream (sometime in 2012?) - i remember him talking to me… and giving me a very friendly, sweet and tight hug because i seem to really need it that time. he was so warm and affecting i could almost feel that he’s real. sigh! He’s so adorable. 

5AM

Are you there, God? It’s me… Paige.

Dear Judy Blume, I’ve read your book when I was younger and here I am today… the 16 year old girl in your book may have grown up but she still seems to be confused and whiny as a 36 year old.

It’s a few days before my birthday… and yes I am sulking again but this time it’s different because I finally begin to realize that I am really getting old. It’s the first time that I give a damn about my age. Eeep! Maybe because I haven’t even had a boyfriend since… the beginning of time? Let alone, a first kiss. I guess when you’re 16, it’s sweet and normal… but when you’re 36, you’d probably think there’s something wrong with you. 

This is just one of those moments where I feel so down, bitter and cynical… it doesn’t help that I’m broke or my mom isn’t too keen of me applying for a job for the Nth time… and my “depressing moment” have to choose this time of the year? To add more stress, I just had my period so… of course — I’m very hormonal… emotional… irritable and I have this Post-MS (PMS) headache that usually last for three days. 

To add insult to my proverbial injury — I got a cryptic (maybe I just read in too much) but straight/honest response of a tweet, which somehow made me feel like I’ve just been dumped. Since I’ve been dwelling in my frustration of being single, I decided to hypothetically ask (via twitter) one guy who seems funny, opinionated and kind enough to have even replied to a previous tweet. So I said to myself, what the heck… he doesn’t even know me so I asked away:

@twitter_username: This is sweet, but no thank you :) RT “@pgertrude: @twitter_username wud u date a nver been kissd grl? Or wud u be kind enuf to giv d 1st kiss?”

well, I thought it was kind of an honest answer but I guess I was hoping for him to elaborate further. Maybe another tweet open for debate or negotiation. Excuse me, I didn’t ask you to marry me. It’s just one kiss for a hopeless/romantic girl. Make her dream come true, for Cupid’s sake! And yes, I demand an explanation! But then again, a kiss isn’t always JUST A KISS. 

Maybe that realization hit me. Like something snapped inside of me… that very fragile thread that pulls my senses together. In an instant, I was transformed into my bitter alter ego. I was an emotional wreck. Flashbacks of my heartbreak, struggles, suffering… running through my mind. At some point, I was drowning my sorrows in frozen avocado cream. 

It’s supposed to be a hypothetical question, but it became too personal. (nagwala na agad ang lola nyo. LOL) He doesn’t know anything about me but why do I feel this way… that’s one heck of a tweet that launched a thousand (words) and insecurities from this silly never been kissed girl.

For all I care, he may seem to have this witty, awesome and sometimes obnoxious tweets… but deep inside – he could be an insecure, and sad guy who’s also looking for love… masquerading his frustrations with his grammatically correct and impeccable 140-character worth of rhetorics. If he truly has an awesome lovelife, why would he have the luxury of time to tweet? Sorry if you would be reading this post, this is just the ampalaya talking.  

And… to add more salt to my wounded heart, pride and soul… my oldest best friend forgot my birthday because she happened to be just gotten engaged! I assume on the very same day and yes… I found out on facebook for the whole world to see. OUCH! I am happy for her since she seems happy (she’s so far away so it’s kinda hard to tell)… but it took me by surprise because maybe, it wasn’t the kind of (whirlwind) romance I’ve been dreaming/expecting for her. I guess she just grew up and living abroad has changed her in a lot of ways. But if she’s sure about it, I’m sure that her heart is in the right place. As her friend, I just want what’s best for her and she’s the only one who could figure that out.

I just wish that whenever she’s happy… she won’t forget me or my birthday again L. I hope that she won’t forget that her best friend also wants to know what the heck’s going on in her life. Maybe I just miss talking to her. I guess I’m just sad that we don’t talk that often… but I know that she’s too busy. And because… if I ever have my first ever boyfriend, I would want to let my best friends know first before anyone else does. They were the ones who were always there whenever I’m sad or happy. They deserve to know the big news firsthand, right? I could just imagine them giggling their hearts out. 

And so… I was still in the process of licking my bruises and wounds when I caught 500 days of Summer on cable. I feel like throwing a fit like what Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) did in the scene where he’s having a breakdown and blaming the greeting cards for his heartbreak and pain. 

"Ain’t love grand? This is exactly what I’m talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card Mr. Vance, I’d eat it. It’s these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they’re to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We’re responsible. I’M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don’t mean anything. Sorry, I’m sorry, I um, I quit. There’s enough bullshit in the world without my help" - Tom Hansen

Yes, Tom is right… we sometimes do this to ourselves. We are responsible for our own suffering. 

I fall in love everytime I watch my favorite romantic movies, and it’s my fault that I even begin to relate to the female protagonist’s life unfolding before my eyes. That sad, awkward, girl next door who has this perpetual chip on her shoulders… then one day… a smart, funny and nice guy (at times brooding) will sweep her off her feet and alter the course of her universe. Seriously, this rarely happen in real life. They only make movies like these because girls like me are crazy for this kind of stories. 

Yes, because a teeny-tiny part of my heart longs for something close to romantic could happen to me in the near future. But sometimes, I forget to ask “how long will I have to wait”?  

Minus the gorgeous face of a hollywood actor, I am the epitome of a real life girl-next-door. Plain Jane, brooding, awkward, heartbroken with perpetual daddy issues… that’s why I could relate to Joey Potter (as a teenager). And then there’s the artsy, ever-confusing, over-analytical Felicity Porter. I grew up watching them on TV and I seem to have somehow forged a connection with their characters. Or maybe I haven’t grown up at all. I was kinda stuck to the idea of them becoming me or vice-versa.  

So, where is the boy-next-door in all of this? I may have met a few in my lifetime but I may have kept them at arms-length. Maybe I just didn’t really know how to handle guys before. They may be interested but I tried not to notice or I just didn’t give them the chance to get too close. Maybe I wasn’t ready or I’m just damaged that I tend to surround myself with impenetrable walls. Or simply, I just couldn’t imagine myself kissing any of them. Sshhhh! Eeep! 

Well, in the real world, I really don’t expect that someone should look like Topher Grace or JGL. I’m just hoping he has a good heart, a ridiculous sense of humor and maybe a disarming smile. I hope he’s someone who could smash down the wall around my heart – who would not be scared or find me weird because I haven’t kissed a boy in my life. And that he doesn’t need to marry me because he would be my first ever kiss. LOL.

If I have the chance to meet someone, I wouldn’t want to expect anything because life will just happen. He might break my heart but all that really matter to me would be the moments. He may be someone strong enough to take a little bit of the weigh around my shoulders. Someone who may take care of me even if I’m the one who always take care of everyone or everything. I am hoping that he would make me laugh out loud… and he would try to see life through my eyes. if he looks at me, i just hope he doesn’t think that my life is as messed up as my hair.

SIGH… after all this drama, I guess I’m back to my old hopeless romantic self. As I’ve tweeted to one of my best friends, this breakdown isn’t something that a good movie wouldn’t cure. 

October32012

my week of “eat, pray, love…”

i’m a 35 year-old mess. so, i packed my bags to find a decent job, but mostly to meet up with good friends. i need to be around them for a while. there’s a “storm” coming and i wouldn’t want to go through it all over again. i need to love myself so i would be moving out of the vicinity for a while. for the first time, it seems, i don’t know where to go. i have a plan but it blurs away and i’m back to my usual state of confusion and indecision. for the meantime, i immersed myself with the normalcy of just being with friends… to gossip, be silly and just be happy .. and watch fun movies. i literally crashed at my friends’ couch, and thank them for giving me a much needed break from my own proverbial couch at home.

in the current state of my consciousness, can’t help to brood along with those gorgeous guys in magic mike… (have to see it again, so i could focus more on the gorgeous abs, er, the story) then those dreamers trying to make an unforgettable indie film (ang babae sa septic tank)… and somehow i got emotional along with a hilarious cougar mom because her son is moving away for college (cougartown)… then i seem to hold back a tear while the GLEE kids is singing queen’s “somebody to love” (one of my favorite sad songs). it made me think of anne hathaway singing the song in ella enchanted. i even found the movie on my friend’s PC and watched it alone. i love the movie. i love anne and i wanted to cry while she’s singing and dancing. it’s a funny scene, theatrical but she could sing well. the obedience spell that was cast on her, though funny at times, is paralyzing at some point. kinda like procrastination. you seem stuck in your emotions, you couldn’t do anything or don’t know where to start. oh, wait we’re not talking about ella enchanted anymore. sigh!

i’m so cluttered, and bursting with hormonal stress and emotions. i need to tweet!

from a friend’s home to another, packed my bags again the next day. off to another home, this time i’m related. my friend told me, “ang bigat ng dala mo, iwan mo na yung iba…” i told her that i will leave some of my stuffs with her. but i feel that my bagpack is still heavy… “hay, bakit ba andami kong bagahe… ” (too much baggage). literally and figuratively. boom!

/2.Oct.2012

February192012

his own pain

I heard about your death, and the first thing i thought about is him. If this happened when i was an angry, bitter, and heartbroken 16 year-old… maybe i would think that he deserves to feel this pain.. maybe he’ll remember our own pain of losing him to you. maybe i would start hoping again… maybe things will change… but i’m not that little girl anymore. my pain will always be there but all i felt was sadness… a lump in my throat… i was beginning to feel his pain at that moment… the pain i wouldn’t dare wish to anyone… the grief and pain we all fear for our friends and family of having.

i wanted to let him know that i don’t hate you. i wrote him a letter. i can’t remember if there was a time i thought of you… all i could remember is how i’ve hated him. maybe it’s just the idea of you being in his life… i may not be aware of a time to hate you because maybe, i haven’t met you at all. time passes by and maybe as we go through life accepting the way things are, we eventually learn to forgive. or sometimes, we may not be aware that we’re heading our way there. i guess, i’m just sorry that i won’t have the chance to say thank you… for taking care of him. rest in peace… i will be praying for you…

/2011, August.

3AM
bookmania:

“From that time on, the world was hers for the reading. She would never be lonely again, never miss the lack of intimate friends. Books became her friends and there was one for every mood. There was poetry for quiet companionship. There was adventure when she tired of quiet hours. There would be love stories when she came into adolescence and when she wanted to feel a closeness to someone she could read a biography. On that day when she first knew she could read, she made a vow to read one book a day as long as she lived.” ― Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Photo by Dimitri Caceaune)

bookmania:

“From that time on, the world was hers for the reading. She would never be lonely again, never miss the lack of intimate friends. Books became her friends and there was one for every mood. There was poetry for quiet companionship. There was adventure when she tired of quiet hours. There would be love stories when she came into adolescence and when she wanted to feel a closeness to someone she could read a biography. On that day when she first knew she could read, she made a vow to read one book a day as long as she lived.” ― Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Photo by Dimitri Caceaune)

September162011

the aftermath…

/8.19.2011 

if taylor swift writes songs about teen angst or boys who broke her heart,…. i, on the other hand, blog. it’s like the same high as screaming at the top of your lungs or punching someone in the face — only using bare rhetorics.  so, in honor of the roller coaster of emotions you’ve caused me, here i am writing about it… consider yourself immortalized… through my blog. 

since i am writing again…. it means i’m starting to calm down, i stopped thinking too much of everything or everyone. putting them into words truly helps lighten the load.

i wanted to tell you i have lost my personal joy of writing, while we’re having conversations (emailing) on facebook. and i hate that feeling. it’s one of the things i love to do, and maybe one of the best things that define who i am. i feel like i’ve stopped being me. i hate to say this but, you made me feel that way…

you also made me hate checking my facebook account, for a while, because i somehow expect to be disappointed… or i got tired of arguing or making a point with you. my mind was so cluttered that i practically have headaches, not to mention the impeccable timing of my PMS.

when i was writing that first email, i was carefully choosing my words because i was concerned about your feelings. because at that point, you were frustrated with us. we’re your family. we care about you, about the situation. and i was sort of expressing my thoughts and concerns, together with what might the other members of the family are also thinking.

when i read your reply, it was disappointing. it seems that you didn’t even feel that we care. you didn’t even try to understand where we’re coming from. i felt bad and sorry for the people who cares for you. it was like a bitchslap reading your email. i hated you for a few moments that day. you,  saying that we were close-minded, we judge people, and we have one-sided opinions… or that we should change our ways of thinking and how we deal things…? if we are such kind of people, i feel terrible and i hope you do realize that you are telling this to the people who share your DNA.  

i feel bad about myself.  you, of all people, would have that kind of opinion of me. i guess you really don’t know me at all. i wish you could talk to my friends, so you would learn more about me. i try to convince myself that you only said that because you’re angry, confused or hurt. and that’s okay. we understand.

yes, we may be drama queens because we worry too much of everything. sorry if we care so much. it’s just that the underlying pain and hearbreak we share leads us to be a little more concerned about the future.

not having a job maybe has given me a lot of time in my hands to stress more about life. i worry about almost everyone, especially us in the family. i think about all of you, or maybe one at a time or by pairs… every night before i sleep. in my prayers, in my dreams, even while doing (household) mundane tasks… sometimes, i think of all the pain and heartbreaks… and just have a good cry. i can’t help but carry the weight in my shoulders. i procrastinate. maybe  that’s why for the Nth time, i didn’t push through again for a new job application. my mind was all cluttered up. i was in a bus on my way for the final interview… and my heart and head is all over the place. suddenly, i feel nauseous… i already have the headache.. and i feel like throwing up.. my stomach is in knots. i’m a mess and i couldn’t go to an interview like this. i couldn’t pull myself together. it was the first time i felt that way.

my only hope is you realize that our shock, confusion and worry are normal reactions of people who care about you. a momentary impulse to an unexpected episode in our lives. we are just trying to understand the whole situation. i don’t expect you to agree with everything i say. we just want you to understand and maybe allow us the moment to feel this way, because whatever feelings we may have… they are all valid.

August162011

Joey Potter

02.12.2011

It was a Friday night. Monday is Valentine’s Day, so I was rummaging through my DVDs for my all-time favorite romantic movies. But somehow my hands found their way to the last episode of Dawson’s Creek Season 1. This episode is the closest to my heart and the very reason why I love the show. Why I could relate so much with Joey Potter.

If I want a good cry, I watch this scene. I guess every Valentine’s Day, I am silently reminded of my broken heart. Watching this helps me deal with the pain.

Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” playing in the background, and I’m already starting to well up. This prison scene with Joey and her dad never fails to make me cry. I feel the exact same pain that Joey is going through. She breathes and speaks what my heart is screaming about.

I never had a talk like this with my Dad, so whenever I watch this it’s like I’m having a similar conversation with him. This has somehow inspired me to write him a letter telling him how I truly feel and how I’ve been doing all this time.

Dawson’s Creek, Season 1:13

*CUT TO prison*

Joey: Hi. I don’t really know what I’m doing here. That’s not true um. Look, I came here tonight to say, I came here to tell you that you messed up. You really messed up. And not because you broke the law or you got caught or that you left me without a father. You messed up because you don’t know me. I’m your daughter and you don’t know me at all. So I guess I just came to say that I’m alright. I turned out pretty good. And I’m going to be okay, no help from you. And um I just have one question. Do you love me?

Mr. Potter: More than you’d ever know. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Joey: Do you think about me?

Mr. Potter: Sweetheart, all day long, everyday, every hour, every minute.

Joey: Do you really love me though? Because I’m 15 years old and I go through everyday of my life thinking nobody loves me.

Mr. Potter: Well nothing could be further from the truth. And I’m not the only one. Dawson Leery. He loves you Joey. He’s never told you?

Joey: Ever.

Mr. Potter: Well, he does. I know it.

Joey: How?

Mr. Potter: Because he looks at you the same way your mother used to look at me. And you love him.

*Joey looks down at the ground*

Mr. Potter: (cont.) Have you told him? You have to tell him Joey. Don’t make my mistake. Don’t wait til someone you love is eaten with cancer and wasting away while you hold back…

*Joey moves to the gate. Her and her dad hold hands. *

Joey: I love you Dad.

Mr. Potter: I love you.

Joey: I gotta go. Bye.

July232011
lisasimpsonbookclub:

Lisa Simpson:   Ms. Rowling, I love your books. You’ve turned an entire generation on to reading. 
J.K. Rowling:   Thank you, young Muggle.
Lisa Simpson:   Could you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
J.K. Rowling:  [exasperated] He grows up and he marries you! Is that what you want to hear?
Lisa Simpson:  [dreamily] Yes.
Submitted by Maddy

lisasimpsonbookclub:

Lisa Simpson: Ms. Rowling, I love your books. You’ve turned an entire generation on to reading. 

J.K. Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.

Lisa Simpson: Could you tell me what happens at the end of the series?

J.K. Rowling: [exasperated] He grows up and he marries you! Is that what you want to hear?

Lisa Simpson: [dreamily] Yes.

Submitted by Maddy

1AM
aoltv:

showtimeallaccess:

Comic Con 2011 - It all begins!

I don’t think I’d be 100% comfortable boarding a bus with Dexter’s face on it …

aoltv:

showtimeallaccess:

Comic Con 2011 - It all begins!

I don’t think I’d be 100% comfortable boarding a bus with Dexter’s face on it …

(via huffposttv)

July222011

super-idol

clairetuts:

tafter more than 2 months of Smallville marathon, we’re finally down to Season 10.

But when my youngest, little Kian wonders why he doesn’t see Lex Luthor anymore in the show, I told him he was killed by Green Arrow.

Kian cried and said, “Lex should not die!”

When I asked why he likes Lex alive, he said “because I don’t want him dead, Mom.  Clark Kent said, it’s bad to kill someone. When I become Superman, I’ll save the whole world!

Whoa! tha’ts my iDoL!!


Wow, pati si kian nawiwili din sa SMV :) namimiss ko nga din si lex.

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