Dear Judy Blume, I’ve read your book when I was younger and here I am today… the 16 year old girl in your book may have grown up but she still seems to be confused and whiny as a 36 year old.
It’s a few days before my birthday… and yes I am sulking again but this time it’s different because I finally begin to realize that I am really getting old. It’s the first time that I give a damn about my age. Eeep! Maybe because I haven’t even had a boyfriend since… the beginning of time? Let alone, a first kiss. I guess when you’re 16, it’s sweet and normal… but when you’re 36, you’d probably think there’s something wrong with you.
This is just one of those moments where I feel so down, bitter and cynical… it doesn’t help that I’m broke or my mom isn’t too keen of me applying for a job for the Nth time… and my “depressing moment” have to choose this time of the year? To add more stress, I just had my period so… of course — I’m very hormonal… emotional… irritable and I have this Post-MS (PMS) headache that usually last for three days.
To add insult to my proverbial injury — I got a cryptic (maybe I just read in too much) but straight/honest response of a tweet, which somehow made me feel like I’ve just been dumped. Since I’ve been dwelling in my frustration of being single, I decided to hypothetically ask (via twitter) one guy who seems funny, opinionated and kind enough to have even replied to a previous tweet. So I said to myself, what the heck… he doesn’t even know me so I asked away:
@twitter_username: This is sweet, but no thank you :) RT “@pgertrude: @twitter_username wud u date a nver been kissd grl? Or wud u be kind enuf to giv d 1st kiss?”
well, I thought it was kind of an honest answer but I guess I was hoping for him to elaborate further. Maybe another tweet open for debate or negotiation. Excuse me, I didn’t ask you to marry me. It’s just one kiss for a hopeless/romantic girl. Make her dream come true, for Cupid’s sake! And yes, I demand an explanation! But then again, a kiss isn’t always JUST A KISS.
Maybe that realization hit me. Like something snapped inside of me… that very fragile thread that pulls my senses together. In an instant, I was transformed into my bitter alter ego. I was an emotional wreck. Flashbacks of my heartbreak, struggles, suffering… running through my mind. At some point, I was drowning my sorrows in frozen avocado cream.
It’s supposed to be a hypothetical question, but it became too personal. (nagwala na agad ang lola nyo. LOL) He doesn’t know anything about me but why do I feel this way… that’s one heck of a tweet that launched a thousand (words) and insecurities from this silly never been kissed girl.
For all I care, he may seem to have this witty, awesome and sometimes obnoxious tweets… but deep inside – he could be an insecure, and sad guy who’s also looking for love… masquerading his frustrations with his grammatically correct and impeccable 140-character worth of rhetorics. If he truly has an awesome lovelife, why would he have the luxury of time to tweet? Sorry if you would be reading this post, this is just the ampalaya talking.
And… to add more salt to my wounded heart, pride and soul… my oldest best friend forgot my birthday because she happened to be just gotten engaged! I assume on the very same day and yes… I found out on facebook for the whole world to see. OUCH! I am happy for her since she seems happy (she’s so far away so it’s kinda hard to tell)… but it took me by surprise because maybe, it wasn’t the kind of (whirlwind) romance I’ve been dreaming/expecting for her. I guess she just grew up and living abroad has changed her in a lot of ways. But if she’s sure about it, I’m sure that her heart is in the right place. As her friend, I just want what’s best for her and she’s the only one who could figure that out.
I just wish that whenever she’s happy… she won’t forget me or my birthday again L. I hope that she won’t forget that her best friend also wants to know what the heck’s going on in her life. Maybe I just miss talking to her. I guess I’m just sad that we don’t talk that often… but I know that she’s too busy. And because… if I ever have my first ever boyfriend, I would want to let my best friends know first before anyone else does. They were the ones who were always there whenever I’m sad or happy. They deserve to know the big news firsthand, right? I could just imagine them giggling their hearts out.
And so… I was still in the process of licking my bruises and wounds when I caught 500 days of Summer on cable. I feel like throwing a fit like what Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) did in the scene where he’s having a breakdown and blaming the greeting cards for his heartbreak and pain.
"Ain’t love grand? This is exactly what I’m talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card Mr. Vance, I’d eat it. It’s these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they’re to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We’re responsible. I’M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don’t mean anything. Sorry, I’m sorry, I um, I quit. There’s enough bullshit in the world without my help" - Tom Hansen
Yes, Tom is right… we sometimes do this to ourselves. We are responsible for our own suffering.
I fall in love everytime I watch my favorite romantic movies, and it’s my fault that I even begin to relate to the female protagonist’s life unfolding before my eyes. That sad, awkward, girl next door who has this perpetual chip on her shoulders… then one day… a smart, funny and nice guy (at times brooding) will sweep her off her feet and alter the course of her universe. Seriously, this rarely happen in real life. They only make movies like these because girls like me are crazy for this kind of stories.
Yes, because a teeny-tiny part of my heart longs for something close to romantic could happen to me in the near future. But sometimes, I forget to ask “how long will I have to wait”?
Minus the gorgeous face of a hollywood actor, I am the epitome of a real life girl-next-door. Plain Jane, brooding, awkward, heartbroken with perpetual daddy issues… that’s why I could relate to Joey Potter (as a teenager). And then there’s the artsy, ever-confusing, over-analytical Felicity Porter. I grew up watching them on TV and I seem to have somehow forged a connection with their characters. Or maybe I haven’t grown up at all. I was kinda stuck to the idea of them becoming me or vice-versa.
So, where is the boy-next-door in all of this? I may have met a few in my lifetime but I may have kept them at arms-length. Maybe I just didn’t really know how to handle guys before. They may be interested but I tried not to notice or I just didn’t give them the chance to get too close. Maybe I wasn’t ready or I’m just damaged that I tend to surround myself with impenetrable walls. Or simply, I just couldn’t imagine myself kissing any of them. Sshhhh! Eeep!
Well, in the real world, I really don’t expect that someone should look like Topher Grace or JGL. I’m just hoping he has a good heart, a ridiculous sense of humor and maybe a disarming smile. I hope he’s someone who could smash down the wall around my heart – who would not be scared or find me weird because I haven’t kissed a boy in my life. And that he doesn’t need to marry me because he would be my first ever kiss. LOL.
If I have the chance to meet someone, I wouldn’t want to expect anything because life will just happen. He might break my heart but all that really matter to me would be the moments. He may be someone strong enough to take a little bit of the weigh around my shoulders. Someone who may take care of me even if I’m the one who always take care of everyone or everything. I am hoping that he would make me laugh out loud… and he would try to see life through my eyes. if he looks at me, i just hope he doesn’t think that my life is as messed up as my hair.
SIGH… after all this drama, I guess I’m back to my old hopeless romantic self. As I’ve tweeted to one of my best friends, this breakdown isn’t something that a good movie wouldn’t cure.